The Chap Olympiad

This year the event continues over two days as it has become so popular.

When: Annual July event.

2012 Dates: Saturday 7 and Sunday 8 July 2012 starting at 12 midday.

See the official website to confirm details.

Where: Bedford Square Gardens,London WC1

Nearest Tube Stations:

• Tottenham Court Road
• Goodge Street

Tickets: £20 or £30 for two days. Buy online.

You can expect to see competitors of all ages, abilities, and persuasions. Athleticism or sportswear is not required, as the prizes – gold, silver and bronze cravats – are awarded purely for panache, savoir-faire, and amusing head-wear. Hundreds of spectators watch the games whilst sipping G&Ts.

An Olympic Pipe is lit for the Opening Ceremony and passed around the contestants to the rousing tune of the National Anthem played by a brass band. The athletes flex their pipe-smoking jaws and their cocktail-shaking wrist muscles in a languid parade around the field, and then the pipe is placed on the Olympic Pipe rack and the games commence.

• The Three-Trousered Limbo
  Pairs of contestants sharing enormous trousers must wriggle under a steadily lowered pole while 1930s calypso music is played on a gramophone player. The trousers must remain at a discreet level with points deducted for underwear revelation.
  
• Moustache Wrestling
  
• Bounders
  Chaps approach a row of ladies and are given two minutes to behave like utter cads. The winner is the bounder who receives the loudest slap accompanied by the wryest smile.
  
• Quill Throwing
• Hop, Skip and G&T
  Contestants must leap into a sandpit holding a brimming gin and tonic. The remaining liquid in the glass is measured and points deducted for spillages.
  
• Martini Knockout Relay
• Cucumber Sandwich Discus
  A plate of cucumber sandwiches is hurled across the field, with extra points if the sandwich remains edible.
• Umbrella Jousting
• Shouting at Foreigners
  Contestants must procure gentlemanly essentials, such as kippers or a trouser press, from a shopkeeper with no command of English and few manners.

At the end of the games the winners are awarded their prizes: bowler hats and cucumber medals, and set off on a victory sashay (running would be too uncouth) around the Square.